Xander Week 86 – The “Y-Me?” Generation – an interesting theory…
July 23, 2008
I stumbled across an interesting blog post a few days ago, and it’s been on my mind ever since. So, first, please check out the post here, and then you’ll be able to follow along with my thoughts (don’t worry – it’ll open in a new window).
So, to sum up what Jesse was saying, essentially, we are being too soft on our kids, and teaching them to blame others for their problems. Some of the points that Jesse makes are good ones. I always felt that the movement to use purple pens for correction instead of red was insane. I don’t think it helps kids to make them feel less stressed about red pen markings. Same goes for everyone getting a trophy in little league, or no one having to sit down during a spelling bee.
However, I think that it’s easy to go too far with this as well. I think there must be a happy medium. Jesse talks about raising their 4 month old daughter. He makes reference to her almost being able to roll over, and someday trying to walk. These are things that I can easily relate to. I thought back to our experiences with Xander rolling over. It took him a long time to get this figured out. We could have left him screaming on his stomach for longer I’m sure. On the other hand, when he was flipping out, he wasn’t being productive. It wasn’t like he was trying to move himself, he was just crying, red-faced and miserable, so we didn’t leave him like that for lengthy periods of time. The same when Xander learned to walk. We held his hand when he asked, and let him attempt on his own when he didn’t.
Now, Xander is very clear with us when he wants to do things on his own. Two examples that come to mind immediately are the stairs, and food. Xander rarely wants help going up or down the stairs these days. We still play spotter when he’s walking down, but we let him go on his own for the most part. Xander also will refuse to eat if he can’t hold his own utensil. He doesn’t want to be spoon fed, and he doesn’t want help getting his food from the plate to his mouth. Regardless of how much he spills, he wants to do it on his own, and we let him as much as possible.
According to Jesse’s theory, Zach and I are raising a member of the “Y-Me?” generation. We help him when he asks for it, and sometimes when he doesn’t. On the other hand, we have an extremely self confident child. He adapts easily to change, isn’t afraid to try things on his own, and is confident that if he goes running around on the playground, Mom or Dad will be around somewhere to catch him if he slips.
We haven’t reached an age where we can start teaching things like fiscal responsibility, or familial responsibility in terms of chores, etc. Before I was a parent, I probably would have had some strong opinions about what we would and wouldn’t do in terms of these decisions. Now, I’m taking a “wait and see” attitude. I can’t tell you that we will definitely require Xander to do chores around the house or that we’ll give him an allowance or not. I just don’t know right now. I do know that when we need to make the decisions, we’ll make them based on what is best for Xander – what will help him to learn and develop in a manner that we are comfortable with.
I don’t think that anyone wants a child to grow up blaming the rest of the world for his or her difficulties, but I also don’t think that raising a 2 year old to understand that life is hard and you’re just going to have to get used to it is the only way to get there. I read through some of the comments on Jesse’s site, and everyone seemed to think that his ideas were right on the money, and this was definitely the way to go. It makes me wonder how many of those commenters actually have kids… Anyway, it was an interesting article and definitely thought provoking.
Hi Sara,
I actually agree with you wholeheartedly, there is a balance! I think if I would have used a different example — not my four-month old learning to roll over, but maybe a teenager learning to do some work — that everyone’s take on the post would have been quite a bit different.
I’m actually thinking about writing a followup to it to kind of clarify. I feel like people maybe took from it that I don’t think we should help (or even love!) our kids. Not at all what I was trying to say! But that’s more a reflection on my poor writing skills than anything else.
We can’t shelter kids from everything tough or hard in life or they’ll never be able to handle anything tough or hard — but again, we have to look at the child and do this on a case-by-case, thoughtful, loving basis.
I wonder how the reaction would have been if I would have used an example of a lazy 25-year old that’s still living at home
When we were young (young enough to want to buy things on our own, but not old enough to actually work to get them), we got an allowance. not a lot mind you, but we also had chores to do. bedroom clean and other normal stuff, but other stuff too. help cleaning the house, etc. not just stuff that you should do anyways, but work that makes you EARN your allowance.
I look at Xman and I don’t really see a kid that is going to grow up to be a spoiled brat (though I am biased as he is the cutest and best baby ever).
Kids come into the bookstore though… and I worry because they are HORRIBLE. Your kid is screaming at you, you don’t then BUY him a toy to get him to shut up. Thats not good for anyone, least of all the people working that have to listen.
There is a difference between loving your kid but teaching them important lessons and spoiling them rotten. More people need to learn that balance…
Hi Jesse, you make some excellent points – and I’m certain you would have gotten a different reaction using a different example. Of course the way that we try to teach teenagers, or even 8-12 year olds is different than the way that we try to teach our younger children. Even at a young age kids can learn to help around the house (and we take advantage of this desire of course!). I entirely agree with the older they get, the more we should expose them to the challenges they might face in adulthood. I think that sometimes sheltering kids from these things may make us think that we’re helping them, when in fact, we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn coping skills. I have some experience with the “lazy 25-year old” and I often wonder what might have happened in the past to make this person wind up this way… Thanks for the response – I’m glad to see some clarification!