Week 36 - Remind Me Why I’m Having A Baby?
August 23, 2006
As anticipated, as soon as I started showing, every mother I met had some words of wisdom for me. I’ve read plenty of articles on this, and I know that the easiest way to handle the unsolicited advice is to simply say thank you and file it away. Most of the advice I’ve received has actually been useful, and I’ve found that I enjoy hearing about other women’s experiences with their children.
However, in the last two months I’ve started to notice a trend - warning about how difficult motherhood is. Previously, anyone who found out I was pregnant was excited, happy, and congratulated me on the good news. Now that I’m round and my delivery date is looming around the corner, experienced moms seem to relish in telling me how horrible my life is going to be. If I had a nickle for every time someone told me about how tired I’m going to be, and how much sleep I’m going to lose, I’d be able to be a stay at home mom! I think the lack of sleep warning is the one I get most often, but I also hear about how I’ll never be able to sit and eat a meal, how no one will remember that I exist when the baby arrives, how my house will be so messy and I’ll never have time to clean it, how I’ll always have spit-up or pee or some other fluid on my clothing. With all of these dire warning, it makes me wonder why anyone ever wanted to have a baby in the first place.
Of course I know that there are good moments too. I’m still excited about having a baby, I just think it’s fascinating that so many people want to tell me about the bad stuff, and no one wants to talk about the good stuff. Ironically, only one woman - a co-worker of my husband’s, told me how much fun I would have, how I would smile all the time, and how it would be a wonderful time in my life. When she and I spoke, it finally hit me that I hadn’t heard anything like that yet, and that for months all I had been hearing was how tired I’m going to be (as if I’m not already tired!)
So, my warning to any expectant mother is that when you start receiving these negative comments, as I expect you will, ask these women about the positive things - the responses you get are surprising, and nice, and make you look forward to having your bundle of joy instead of entirely anxious and depressed about it.
Hey my name is Elizabeth and I have posted previously here I love reading your week to week. I will be 18 weeks on Sunday and I felt that I had to post to say that I remember being pregnant with my first baby and all of those comments would just annoy me so after I had my baby and other people were pregnant I never told a bad story. I would tell stories of the first time he recognized my voice and his little head would follow me around from his bassinet. The first time he peed on his daddy. So just remember how this makes you feel and tell the cute stories so eventually we can weed out all the inconsiderate stories.
Hi Elizabeth - I’m so glad you are enjoying the blog! I’m glad you are passing along positive stories to other pregnant women - I can definitely tell you how much nicer it is to hear the positive stories over the negative ones!
[...] Before Xander was born I heard all kinds of warnings about how difficult babies are, and how hard the first few weeks/months can be. I even wrote a post about this trend. When Xander arrived, I was prepared for the worst - minutes of sleep every night, crazy hormones/baby blues, never having time for a shower or a meal, etc. [...]
have you read Anne Lamont’s book called “operating instrutions” ?? Sure to make any new mother laugh and laugh.
Hi Jane, I haven’t read Ann Lamont’s book, but it sounds entertaining - I’ll definitely have to check it out. Thanks!
HI Sarah. My name is Sandy and I am pregnant with my 4 child (they will all be under six). People think I am completely insane lol..and to be honest sometimes I think I am myself.
Everything people are telling you is what it was like for them. It’s really sad that they have forgotten how you really just don’t care what your house looks like..in fact I still don’t! I always tell people when they stop over “We love the kids before we clean the house”. Cemetaries are very tidey places..I wouldn’t want to live there. Someday my house will be quiet and lonely and freakishly clean. For now I love my sticky floors and finger-printed walls.
As far as not sleeping..yeah but I bet you’ll get one of those super babies
.
I find sometimes the best retort is to say something like “WOW I’m surprised you had another one!”..I bet that will make them recall just how wonderful it is to bring home a new baby and become a mother.
Best of luck
Hi Sandy - I have great respect for the amount of energy you have to take care of 4 children all under six! I love that you comment “wow, I’m surprised you had another one” I’ll definitely have to use that next time! Good luck you to, and enjoy your quickly expanding family!
I wish someone would have told me how difficult it was to have a new baby and not get any sleep. Of course, no one can begin to explain it to you. You just have to experience it yourself. I had my daughter and felt guilty for feeling so tired and frustrated. Many times I felt like I didn’t even want her anymore because I was SO tired. Only after I described my feelings to others did they fess up that they felt the same way too. It would have made things a lot easier to know from the beginning that I wasn’t the only one who experienced what I did. I thought everyone else was just happy and dealt with things better than myself. With everything there should be a balance. Not everyone reacts the same way the first few months after having a newborn so when people give you the negative advice they should tell you that it is just their experience and then tell you all the positives as well, like how much better it gets as time goes on and how worth it all the sacrifices are. I think I had a hard time because of more than just lack of sleep. My expectations were too high and I hadn’t learned yet that being a good mother is not about checking items off a list but relaxing and enjoying the goods times as they happen because they are gone too fast. I am about to have my 2nd baby and I feel so prepared for whatever. At least if things are not perfect from day one, I’ll know that it will get better.
Hi Sara -
I know this post is old, but I’m glad to hear that other expectant mothers get tired of all the negativity too. Same thing happened to me, all the bad things, your life is over, enjoy yourself now, everything will change (for the worst), etc., etc. It gets to be a downer and I wondered the same thing - if it’s so bad, why do you have more??? Good recommendation to focus on the positive and keep expectations realistic. I’m sure it’ll be hard, but all worth it as well.
Yep, it’s crazy how many negative stories parents have about their kids, isn’t it? And sometimes I catch myself in that same pattern - enjoy your free time now, etc. I think it’s because I’m a bit jealous of those kid free people, even if they are only kid free for a few more months. It’s amazing how little time you have to yourself once a baby arrives. However, it is definitely worth the trade off - less free time for that wonderful little person that you bring into your life. It is all worth it, and the next time someone starts telling you all that negative stuff, try asking them if they can think of a positive story to tell you
Good luck!