Helpful Tips
February 19, 2010Would you like to add a little extra stress to your life? Here are some helpful tips from me to you. Enjoy!
Step 1: Sell your house – be sure you are required to pack everything you own and move in exactly 3 weeks. The 3 weeks before Thanksgiving is best.
Step 2: Find a new house you love at a great price, but be sure it’s in a small town. This way, when it comes time to do an appraisal it’ll take over a month because there won’t be any comparable houses on the market for them to determine current market value.
Step 3: Make sure the seller knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the house he is selling. This way, you can do fun things like call the town clerk on her cell phone while she’s at work, or leave a mildly desperate message for the original owner of the house, or wait impatiently for the State Archives to uncover a map of your septic layout.
Step 4: It’s a good idea to try for an FHA loan. The rates are good, and the percentage you need to put down is nice, and the best part is that there are a million and one extra requirements that ordinary loans don’t need to follow. This will ensure that your application goes to underwriting a few times and gets sent back for more information, delaying your closing time and time again.
Step 5: It’s also a good idea to only sign a 2 month lease at your rental house (where you can only stay until the end of April, max) so that you’ll have a small amount of hope that you won’t have to pay yet another month’s rent, but then in the end you’ll be forced to because you can’t seem to convince anyone to give you money to buy the house before rent is due.
Step 6: It’s awesome when the septic map you send to the underwriters from the State Archives doesn’t have distances labeled on it. That way, the underwriters will reject it and say your application doesn’t meet FHA requirements. But wait – there is one more trick up your sleeve!
Step 7: Have your mortgage broker convince the Town Clerk to write a letter from the town saying that the septic plan meets the state requirements.
Step 8: Try to sleep knowing that tomorrow you’ll find out whether you’ll be able to buy your forever dream house where your family can enjoy many happy years, or the money you’ve already invested in the deal is gone and you don’t have enough left to put a down payment on a different house, so you and your family will be forced to rent an apartment for the next several years while you try to save enough to start this cycle all over again.
The following steps are nearly guaranteed to give you the following:
- More gray hair
- Baggy eyes from lack of sleep
- Less sleep
- Stomach pains
- Ulcers
- Reduced work productivity
- Potential snappiness
Good Luck!
http://beingsara.com/feed/">Entries (RSS)
and