Being Sara

I can’t even remember the last time I posted something here. There are plenty of reasons – the same as many stale blogs, lack of inspiration, time and eventually guilt from being silent for so long. I’d like to get back into the swing of regular posts and the start of a new year seems like as good a time as any to make that attempt.

So, to recap, it was a busy year. Xander started kindergarten. Parker moved into the purple room at day care. We attempted potty training for about three months (the dryer was broken for two of those months. The word hellish comes to mind when I think back on it) but eventually decided to take a break when we reached a stalemate – he was fine with peeing in his pants as long as we changed him after. I was not fine with that arrangement. Parker turned three last week (the fact that my baby is now three could be an entirely separate post). Xander is learning to read which is super exciting for us. I’ve been at my current job for over a year now. I continue to love the day to day work and the interaction with college students but regularly the higher level politics provides new challenges and headaches that I long to ignore.

Parker has gotten into the habit of being my cheerleader. If I kill a bug for him or do well in a game we are playing he’ll tell me ‘good job mom!’ he also calls us mom and dad more than mommy and daddy lately. It sounds cute with his little voice but is slightly disconcerting.

We had a wonderful Christmas filled with friends and family and lots of time to play with the boys. On our last day of vacation we were lounging in our pajamas and watching Toy Story 3. In the beginning of the movie there are several flashbacks to the boy, Andy playing with his toys. Shortly into the montage, Xander pipes up and says ‘hey, he has all of the toy story toys’ after Zach and I stopped giggling we reminded him that we were actually watching toy story the movie… Kids…

So, we’re good. Looking forward to all that 2012 has in store, and hopefully finding time to blog again.

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I like to sleep.  I sleep pretty well when I don’t have small children climbing into my bed in the middle of the night.  I also like to eat foods that my kids don’t yet find appetizing.  I like to go out to dinner and a movie with my husband.  I like to close the door to the bathroom and keep it closed the whole time I’m in there.  I like it when my house stays picked up for more than an evening.  Sometimes I miss the days of sleeping in and eating what I wanted and the freedom to do things on my own schedule.  Sometimes I look forward to the days when my children will be self sufficient.  When they will be old enough to stay home alone, or to the days after they have moved out of our house and I find free time again.

The other day I told Xander when he was older he wouldn’t want to hang out with me, he’d choose to hang out with his friends instead.  Xander giggled, smiled and told me he’d always want to spend time with me because he loves me (duh Mom).

And then, things like this happen.  And last night when Xander crawled into my bed at 11:30pm saying he’d had a bad dream, I didn’t send him back to his bed.  I wrapped my arms around him and held him for the rest of the night.

When I drag my exhausted body out of bed at 5am so I’ll have enough time to make lunches and breakfasts and find clothes for everyone it feels like these days will never end, but I remember that soon enough I’ll be trying to drag my boys out of bed and frowning at the piles of smelly laundry on their floors.  I will think back to all of those nights where I held a sleeping child in my arms and miss the days that I sacrificed sleep or privacy or sanity for my babies.

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Warning: This is a grumpy, whiny, self-pitying post.  Move on to greener pastures here if you aren’t interested.

Most years I love Christmas time.  I love decorating the house, putting candles in the windows, making cookies with my mother, preparing Christmas cards and sending them to 60+ family, friends and coworkers, selecting and buying presents, wrapping and finally giving presents, cutting down a tree with my family and decorating it, holiday parties, and holiday food and most importantly, spending time with family and friends.  Generally everyone is in a good mood for the entire month.  People are more generous and friendly, everyone smiles and wishes you a Merry Christmas.  Kids are excited and happy, in my little world, Christmas time is a great time of year.

Except this year.  This year it sucks. I haven’t been able to drum up even an ounce of excitement for this huge holiday looming in front of me.  I don’t want to see any Christmas lights on houses because it just mocks the fact that I can’t have any lights in my rental house this year.  The same with decorations.  I don’t have a single Christmas decoration up in my house – not one.  They’re packed away in boxes, buried under mounds of stuff.  I feel like I’m completely failing my kids in the decorating department.  It makes me want to cry whenever I think about it.  We’ve figured out most of what we need to buy for Christmas this year, but we haven’t figured out where we’re going to come up with the cash to pay for them.  And, even when we do finally buy the gifts, the presents under the tree are going to be sparse this year, and even though our kids are too young to notice, Zach and I know that, and want to be able to give them more…

I’m so stressed about money (or lack thereof) and about our house sale/purchase (eventually…) that I’ve mostly stopped sleeping.  Even though my children are finally sleeping well, I’m awake at ridiculous hours of the night fretting and worrying about everything that we’re precariously balancing at the moment.  So not only am I grumpy about Christmas, I’m just tired in general which just makes it harder for me to hide my grumpiness.

I have to miss one of the holiday parties this year – with 2 little kids it’s just too much to chase them around an office party.  I had small hopes that perhaps the party would be at our house, which would have eliminated that difficulty, but it’s not.  So, Zach will go to the party, and I’ll stay home with the boys.  The holiday party for my office is new, different, and I’m not sure what to expect (besides having to come back to work for 2 hours after the party – the day before the holiday break…)

After sick kids and broken vehicles and (someday) closing on our house, I won’t have enough vacation days to take the whole week of Christmas off.  So while everyone else is home and the office is empty, I’ll be working.

I’m going through the motions, but I’m not excited about any of it this year.  I’ve mentioned this a few times, hoping someone might be able to help me find some Christmas spirit, to help me put some real joy back into the season, but I’ve come up empty.  We’re in a strange house that I can’t decorate, and we don’t have any money.  I don’t want to do Christmas.  If we didn’t have kids, I’d beg Zach to just skip it.  But we do have kids, so I’m forcing myself through the motions, but I’m miserable doing it.  I’ve turned into one of those people who hates the holidays, and I hate that about myself.

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