Being Sara

Our well pump died last night.  But, since the Universe is apparently completely pissed off at us lately, it waited until we had already started dinner (friends on their way to visit) and Xander had a head full of shampoo before it went ca-put.

And the Universe wasn’t done at just breaking the water pump, oh no…  Zach managed to blister his hand on some hot oil while I was outside gathering snow to melt (so we could flush the toilet).

Then when it was his turn to go out and gather snow, Xander forgot to put down the toilet seat after he used it, which we didn’t realize until we heard Parker splashing in it (yuck!)  And of course, we didn’t have any good way to clean up anyone without any water…

Our evening just turned into a series of unfortunate events, culminating in a half dead mouse on our carpet this morning that we couldn’t flush down the toilet with the rest because there wasn’t enough melted snow left, so he sort of floated in a little pee bath while we hurriedly melted more snow to get him to go away.

The good news? We have running water again!  It’s amazing how easy it is to take things like electricity and running water for granted, and how much you rely on those sorts of things.  Between the 4 day power outage and now water failure, it feels like moving out of town moved us back into the 1800′s.

The bad news? “Phase 1″ alone cost us $1,970.00.  At $180/hour those well guys aren’t cheap, and our pump was apparently difficult to get at.  We’re still waiting on a quote for “Phase 2″ and in a matter of hours all of those exciting plans we had for the house (including a nice, new fancy generator to prevent problems like 4 day power outages) fly out of our bank accounts in the blink of an eye.

So welcome to Sara’s pity party – table for one please.  I know someday it’ll get better.  Someday we won’t have something breaking on our house or car every week.  Someday we’ll go a whole day without finding a dead mouse in the trap in our silverware drawer (don’t worry – the silverware is safely stored elsewhere for now).  Someday I won’t find little pockets of seeds stored by mice in my clean laundry baskets or t-shirt drawers (clean laundry that I can’t re-wash yet because there is still too much sediment in my water…).  Someday the Universe will cut us a break.  Someday the stress will go away and we’ll actually be able to enjoy this house that we fell in love with (I love you, but I don’t really like you right now kind of love).

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Sometime last year (probably about the time Xander decided he could leave the house on his own, and hearing cars honk horns as our escapee darted out the door) Zach and I decided that we needed to move.  We needed to get off our busy mostly-college-student-populated street and go somewhere that our kids could truly run and play and be boys without the fear of broken beer bottles, speeding cars and late-night parties.

So, we put our house on the market at the end of the summer.  Much to our surprise, it sold in November.  So, in three weeks we packed up all of our earthly belongings and moved into a rental house for the winter.  We lived out of boxes and desperately missed our carefully collected possessions as we searched for the perfect home for our children.

Despite our realtor’s concerns, we insisted on looking at this house way out in the middle of nowhere.  The town population doesn’t even come close to 100 people.  Despite that, it’s still only 15 minutes from work, and we knew some people with kids the same age just down the street.

We fell in love.  Sure, the house needs some love and some updating, but it’s in pretty good shape, and it’s huge.  It’s got a brook running through the property (perfect for throwing rock into, and getting completely wet and muddy in) and it’s got a Harry Potter closet under the stairs.

So, we bought it.  It took lots of super-human effort, and begging and pleading with numerous local and state officials to get the paperwork completed, but we finally did it.

And we moved.  Good God we moved.  Our beloved (and exhausted) friends all turned out one sunny Saturday in February and packed all of our belongings from a storage unit and the rental house into a U-haul and a few trucks and poured it all into this new (and now not-so-spacious-because-it’s-filled-with-all-our-crap) home.

And then we started to settle in.  We sorted toys and washed clothes.  We rearranged furniture and learned how our house worked.  And then we lost power for 3 days (gotta love living in the sticks…).  And we worried about pipes freezing, and our children became nomadic, shifting from home to home staying warm, fed and occupied while we prayed for the electric company to fix all those downed lines in record time.

During this move and settle period, I knew there were mice in the house.  I had seen evidence of their existence when we first looked at the house.  That first week I could hear them rustling somewhere as I lay in bed, and I actually saw one running around under a couch and behind some boxes.

Now, the mice have gotten used to us.  I actually think they like the company.  We brought in two not-so-neat children who love to leave discarded food on the floor.  We keep the place warmer than they’re used to, and we’ve given them lots and lots of new things to chew through.

They are so comfortable in fact, that they don’t run when they see Zach walk into the basement anymore.  Last night I found mouse poo in our silverware drawer (is there anything in the world ickier? It certainly gave me the heebie jeebies for the night).  So, I spent the evening sanitizing everything I could get my hands on.  The glue traps have been out for three days now, but not a single mouse has fallen for that trick yet (we have smart mice people!)

So, creepy, icky, pooping, scratching, chewing, dirty mice it. is. on.  We paid good money for this house.  We own it.  We aren’t moving (and couldn’t afford to even if we wanted to).  We will not cohabitate with you.  The snap traps are coming in tonight.  Spray foam for every crack and cranny will be added this weekend.  We will continue to unpack boxes and place things in plastic bins where you can’t get them.  We will win because we are bigger, smarter and stronger than you (unless you are Pinky or Brain, in which case, we’re doomed).

If anyone has any good suggestions for a) getting rid of mice; b) keeping them away; or c) cleaning and sanitizing things that clearly have had a mouse visit, I’m all ears (no pun intended)

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Would you like to add a little extra stress to your life?  Here are some helpful tips from me to you.  Enjoy!

Step 1: Sell your house – be sure you are required to pack everything you own and move in exactly 3 weeks.  The 3 weeks before Thanksgiving is best.

Step 2: Find a new house you love at a great price, but be sure it’s in a small town.  This way, when it comes time to do an appraisal it’ll take over a month because there won’t be any comparable houses on the market for them to determine current market value.

Step 3: Make sure the seller knows ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the house he is selling.  This way, you can do fun things like call the town clerk on her cell phone while she’s at work, or leave a mildly desperate message for the original owner of the house, or wait impatiently for the State Archives to uncover a map of your septic layout.

Step 4: It’s a good idea to try for an FHA loan.  The rates are good, and the percentage you need to put down is nice, and the best part is that there are a million and one extra requirements that ordinary loans don’t need to follow.  This will ensure that your application goes to underwriting a few times and gets sent back for more information, delaying your closing time and time again.

Step 5: It’s also a good idea to only sign a 2 month lease at your rental house (where you can only stay until the end of April, max) so that you’ll have a small amount of hope that you won’t have to pay yet another month’s rent, but then in the end you’ll be forced to because you can’t seem to convince anyone to give you money to buy the house before rent is due.

Step 6: It’s awesome when the septic map you send to the underwriters from the State Archives doesn’t have distances labeled on it.  That way, the underwriters will reject it and say your application doesn’t meet FHA requirements.  But wait – there is one more trick up your sleeve!

Step 7: Have your mortgage broker convince the Town Clerk to write a letter from the town saying that the septic plan meets the state requirements.

Step 8: Try to sleep knowing that tomorrow you’ll find out whether you’ll be able to buy your forever dream house where your family can enjoy many happy years, or the money you’ve already invested in the deal is gone and you don’t have enough left to put a down payment on a different house, so you and your family will be forced to rent an apartment for the next several years while you try to save enough to start this cycle all over again.

The following steps are nearly guaranteed to give you the following:

• More gray hair
• Baggy eyes from lack of sleep
• Less sleep
• Stomach pains
• Ulcers
• Reduced work productivity
• Potential snappiness

Good Luck!

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