Conflicting Feelings
September 13, 2011
I like to sleep. I sleep pretty well when I don’t have small children climbing into my bed in the middle of the night. I also like to eat foods that my kids don’t yet find appetizing. I like to go out to dinner and a movie with my husband. I like to close the door to the bathroom and keep it closed the whole time I’m in there. I like it when my house stays picked up for more than an evening. Sometimes I miss the days of sleeping in and eating what I wanted and the freedom to do things on my own schedule. Sometimes I look forward to the days when my children will be self sufficient. When they will be old enough to stay home alone, or to the days after they have moved out of our house and I find free time again.
The other day I told Xander when he was older he wouldn’t want to hang out with me, he’d choose to hang out with his friends instead. Xander giggled, smiled and told me he’d always want to spend time with me because he loves me (duh Mom).
And then, things like this happen. And last night when Xander crawled into my bed at 11:30pm saying he’d had a bad dream, I didn’t send him back to his bed. I wrapped my arms around him and held him for the rest of the night.
When I drag my exhausted body out of bed at 5am so I’ll have enough time to make lunches and breakfasts and find clothes for everyone it feels like these days will never end, but I remember that soon enough I’ll be trying to drag my boys out of bed and frowning at the piles of smelly laundry on their floors. I will think back to all of those nights where I held a sleeping child in my arms and miss the days that I sacrificed sleep or privacy or sanity for my babies.
Even though it took begging, pleading, lots of snuggles, endless practices and discussions about the big day, you did it (well, some of it). You participated in your preschool graduation to the very best of your ability (which consisted of signing the pledge of allegiance in tears, playing a drum nearly in tears and taking your diploma before retreating back to my lap). Despite your fear that the people you don’t know in the crowd won’t like you, you did the very best that you could and I’m proud of you for that.
The boy in this picture – he moves to a preschool classroom tomorrow. He starts skating lessons on Tuesday. He can pluck anything he wants off counter tops. He likes to have privacy while using the potty, but still wants help getting dressed. He loves his new swing set but doesn’t really want to play outside by himself yet. This boy will have a sleepover with his best friend or any family member anytime he can and asks just about every morning “what are we doing today?” This boy has the sweetest disposition ever. He dotes on his younger brother, looks out for him, plays with him and loves him without any prompting from his parents. He can also be a little shy and timid in new situations. This boy will be 4 years old in 53 days.
