He never looked back

Today was Xander’s first day of kindergarten.  We were prepared.  We’d been to the open house, we’d toured and visited the school and had endless conversations with Xander about what to expect.  We had plans for before and after school.  Supplies were purchased, clothes were ironed, backpacks were packed, forms were completed.  Last night near midnight though, I couldn’t stop the tears.  My baby was going to get on a bus, go to a school where I do not know every child and every adult.  He was going to spend his day with these people who barely knew him, and couldn’t possibly be prepared for his shyness.  And I was sure his shyness would prevent him from making friends, or from letting his teacher see how smart he truly is.

But, as I should have learned by now, my kids continue to surprise me.  Adding to my regular dose of motherhood guilt, I could not drop off or pick up Xander on his first day.  Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene threw off all of our plans, so PSU student move-in day landed on the same day as kindergarten started.

So, we jumped right into the regular routine.  Zach took the boys to the bus stop, and waited with Xander.  Parker was seriously unimpressed that Xander not only got to ride the school bus and he did not, but also that Xander was not walking into ‘school’ with him anymore.  After bouncing around with his backpack, lunch box and friend, the bus arrived and they both walked right on – never looking back.

It was worse than pulling teeth, but after much begging, I finally got some details out of the close-lipped kid tonight.  Riding the bus is his favorite part.  Pretty much everything else pales in comparison to that.  But, if he had to pick something he enjoyed most at school, that would be recess.  And, if he had to pick something in his classroom that he liked the most, that would be the science station.  He really wanted to play with the dinosaurs, but at free play only two kids are allowed at each station, and there were already two kids at the dinosaur station.

There were no tears and no complaints.  He met all of his friends (his whole class) though he doesn’t yet remember anyone’s name.  He has three other students who sit at his table (where his assigned seat is) but one girl is in the half day program, so she leaves early.  One boy at his table got in trouble today for yelling at another kid (but not him) and had to sit at his table for two minutes.  Rest time is nice, and Xander thinks I should ask my boss for a rest time at work.  I’m sure that will go over well.

So, Xander is clearly more ready for kindergarten than I am.  He went through the first day like it was nothing.  I’m not sure I’m ready for day two, but he can’t wait to go back (and ride the bus again of course).  Obviously not every day can be wonderful, but I am so incredibly relieve that the first day was.

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And boy was it frustrating when the boys had an argument yesterday and Parker bit Xander for the first time ever.  I’m totally in love with my new iPad (yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all the negative press – it’s a bigger iTouch, it does everything a laptop does but worse, and isn’t as good as an iPhone because it can’t make calls, etc.  Whatever.  It does everything I want a computer to do, and I haven’t owned a new computer since 1999, so I’m happy).

We’re adjusting to life on the side of a mountain.  Things seem to go like this:

Me: I’ve never had a well before, do you think we’ll have to worry about it drying up in the summer time?

Zach: No, we have an artesian well – we won’t have to worry about it drying up.  Sheesh, don’t you know anything about wells?

Me: Nope, this is my very first well experience.  I am a city (well, town really) girl.

Less than 24 hours later, our well pump dies and it takes $2,000.00 to replace it.  *awesome*

Some animal has discovered our trash bins.  It (or they, I’m envisioning a pack of raccoons) were kind enough to spread garbage allll over our back yard (the nice smelly kind – since we’re out in the woods, there is no more garbage disposal which means lots more food (mostly from the kids) dumped in there to make stuff extra pungent).  It happened to be a rather windy evening, so one stray plastic bag managed to get caught at the top of a 30 foot tree.  Oh man that irritated the bejesus out of Zach.  It’s finally disappeared over a week later.

Last week a friend of ours (with kids pretty much the exact same ages as ours) and I took all four kids to Chuck E. Cheese.  It’s was day care’s “staff sanity day” so we decided to go all out and make it “parent insanity day”.  It was actually pretty fun, and other than NONE of the kids napping for over an hour on the way home, a good time was had by all.  So, the most exciting thing I’ve seen in a week is this – enjoy:

Boys riding the Carousel at Chuck E. Cheese

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After this, I asked the teacher what I should do.  Her response was vague – he didn’t actually bite, so they didn’t have a “no biting” discussion.  He’s not even 18 months yet, so lengthy discussions don’t work.  I let her know I was open to any suggestions, that we were trying everything we could think of and would try anything anyone else could think of.

I asked my mother-in-law and sister-in-law what they thought.  They have over 50 years of parenting experience combined, so I thought between all of the kids and grandkids maybe they would have come across this sort of situation before.  My mother-in-law talked about a friend of the family who used to bite her older brother when she was little.  Eventually the mother encouraged the boy to bite her back.  He did, and the biting stopped.  I thought that biting back wasn’t an approved solution, but I could be wrong.  This wasn’t exactly biting back either, since it was the brother who bit, not a parent…

I asked our pediatrician.  He said this behavior is normal, and that we should just keep doing what we’re doing.

Then last night Parker bit me.  Hard.  Hard enough to draw blood.  We were playing on the floor after dinner.  He was getting pretty rough, so I wrapped him in my arms and told him that hands were for hugs, not hitting.  While I hugged him, he bit me.  After I had pulled him off, and recovered from the surprise, I tried to explain to Parker that he hurt Mommy.  That we don’t bite, etc. but he was too riled up to listen to any words coming out of my mouth.

So, anyone who happens to stumble across this blog: How do you teach a 15-month-old not to bite?  Furthermore, how do you teach this particular 15-month-old boy to please, please be a little more gentle?

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He discovered the joys of wandering around while snacking.  In Xander’s opinion, he always needed to have two of whatever he was eating – one in each hand.  It was pretty cute to watch him toddling all over the house with a cheerio in each hand, and if he ate one, he’d come back for another – never satisfied being out of balance with just one hand filled.

Now this kid comes along:

He toddles around the house in a very similar manner as his brother.  However, he’s taken this snacking while toddling thing one step further.  Not only does he need a snack in each hand, but one in his mouth as well (don’t worry – we keep everything smaller than bit-sized to minimize choking risk).  That’s my second son – he never does anything part way.  I think “go big or go home” will someday be his motto…

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Example one: An old friend was scheduled to come into town for a visit earlier this week.  Plans had tentatively been made to meet up at a local bar/restaurant after work on Monday to catch up.  The person making the plans was a little vague on the details, but since the location was family friendly, and I hadn’t seen this person in a long long time, Zach and I decided we’d be brave and have the kids tag along.  So, Sunday night was full of preparation – I packed a diaper bag, and a bag of toys to hopefully keep the boys entertained.  I prepared Xander for the following day’s plans.  I carefully picked out clothing for school that wouldn’t accentuate the large amounts of food my kids manage to spill on themselves throughout the day.  The next morning I packed a few remaining supplies – milk for Parker, a juice box for Xander, gummies for both of them.  I continued mentioning Xander our plans for after school, and told him he could even have a “special” drink (a.k.a. shirley temple).  3pm rolls around, and I hear that plans have changed – they are no longer going to the family friendly location, but rather to one of the sketchier bars in town.  Needless to say, there was no way I was bringing my kids to that bar.  This made me so frustrated.  Not only was I really looking forward to catching up with my old friend, but I had put so much effort into planning for the evening and I just knew tears would ensue when Xander found out we were not going to a restaurant and he would not have his special drink.  I ended up sending off a short and rather snarky email – the location was shifted back and we all had a pleasant time visiting before the kidless crowd relocated themselves to the sketchier bar.

Example two: Wednesday night we arrived home at 5:30.  At 5:40 Zach received an email from his boss with a request.  After a follow-up to check the deadline, Zach learned that he had exactly one hour to finish the request.  This threw our whole evening out of whack.  My plans for a healthy meal – gone.  My hope to help Xander with a thank-you note and Valentine’s Day Cards for school, not happening.  Instead, I packed the boys back into the car (over many protests) and we drove to McDonald’s.  We spent $12 for the three of us to eat fried crap and Xander to get a junky toy.  An hour later, we drove back home (again).  I understand that Zach’s job requires more than just 9-5 attention.  I am completely supportive of his efforts to tweak scripts and research problems in the evenings and respond to emails nearly 24/7.  What I couldn’t fathom was why Zach (and others in his office) had to drop everything from their evening routines to get a request done for 7pm on a Wednesday night.  There was no 8pm meeting that I was aware of.  And other than convenience for the boss to have some extra reading time, I couldn’t see any other logical explanation for the upheaval in our evening.

Twice this week my hackles have been raised by people without children failing to consider the massive amount of effort that goes into shifting plans or last minute requests.  I feel like I’m being unreasonable – as one of my childless friends loves to remind me “kids are a choice” – and he’s completely right.  I chose to have children, and I accept all of the responsibility and hassle that comes with that choice.  But, I do get frustrated when others forget about the effort and hassle that I’m juggling.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting those without kids to remember the time and effort that goes into preparations for them?  Should I just suck it up and continue juggling without complaint, or should I continue to remind people when they forget that it is more work and effort and some consideration is appreciated?

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With Parker, it’s the exact opposite.  Case in point: yesterday I arrived at day care to pick up the boys.  I stopped to check in with Parker’s teacher, and while I was there, another little boy’s mother arrived.  Parker was already in his coat and ready to go, but toddling around happily while I talked.  When this mother help up her son’s coat to get him ready, he immediately laid face-down on the ground and began to cry.  She and the teacher began discussing this new behavior of his while a little girl in the class helped the boy up off the floor.  He continued to cry, but was standing.  Parker toddled over with his arms out.  I almost picked him up as he walked by, but he had his arms out like maybe he was going to hug this other little boy, so I let him go.  What did he do you ask? He walked right up to this crying little boy with a big smile on his face and pushed him in the chest.  I was mortified.  I of course swooped Parker away and said “oh Parker, we don’t push, we hug” while demonstrating a hug.  Parker may or may not have understood the lesson (I repeated it a few times) but it’s been sinking in with me for months.  Our boy is rough and tumble through and through.  He loves to push, pull, tug and hit.  It doesn’t seem to matter how many times we remind him to be gentle or how many times we show him how to touch people gently.  His first reaction is to hit.  His behavior means that he is the child who is put into a pack ‘n play or a jump-a-roo to give the other kids in the room a break from him.  Parker really believes that he is just playing, that his actions are all in fun, but of course they aren’t interpreted that way.  We won’t give up, but this new kid with this new behavior is certainly proving to be a challenge for us!

How about the rest of you – do you have a hitter or a biter, and have you found any effective strategies in teaching them other methods of “playing”?

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The worst part of the inescapable spelling bee is that I’m pretty sure Xander thinks we’re like seals.  He asks and we perform.  I’m not convinced that there is any sort of retention or learning going on when we spell.  I think this because if you ask Xander to repeat what was just spelled, or even the first letter, he can’t (or won’t – not sure which) do it.  Which then leaves me wondering at 8pm when I’m trying to get the little man to sleep and he’s asking me “Mama, how do you spell ‘bear’?” why do I keep going?  I’m pretty sure it’s negative reinforcement, like when you pick up a phone to make it stop ringing, or pick up a tea kettle to get it to stop whistling.  I wonder when (and how) we’ll get out of this never-ending spelling bee…

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Fast forward to several sleepless nights and two days home, first with Xander and then with Parker (who managed to catch another bout of RSV, complete with a 101.6 temperature and back onto nebulizer treatments).  Parker is still waking up between 2:30 and 3:30 every morning for a few hours, and Xander is still crying every morning that he doesn’t feel good and doesn’t want to go to school (please note that by the time we arrive at school he is running to get inside and play with his friends, so we’re not taking those complaints too seriously).

Evenings have been EXHAUSTING.  First, one kid will cry, and then before one of us can calm that one down, the other starts crying so we’ve had an almost constant flow of tears between the hours of 5pm and 8pm for the past 5 days.  Yeah, I’m on my pity wagon – all are welcome!  I’m hopeful that we’ll turn the corner this weekend and start to see more smiling and less crying.

Unfortunately, Xander has rediscovered his love of puzzles recently.  He’s getting quite good at putting them together on his own.  The biggest challenge is that Parker firmly believes that his primary role in our family is to pick up puzzle pieces and put them in boxes.  He couldn’t care less if anyone else might have wanted to use that particular piece.  This of course starts a great deal of arguments and the cycle continues until Parker goes to sleep. Ah, the joys of parenthood…

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My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret.  I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel.  I don’t regret the decision.  I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days.  I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.

But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have.  Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom.  I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law.  But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me.  Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.

And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet.  And I want one.  I want to build one and play with my children.  And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it.  But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house.  And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).

And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes.  I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys.  Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.

And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships.  So many highs, but also so many lows.  Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup.  PMS and weight control issues.  I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter.  Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…

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This morning and yesterday morning Parker and Xander have ended up on the couch watching a few moments of Little Einsteins.  I assumed that Parker, in his post-sleep stupor was mostly vegging out on the couch with a bottle, which for a few crazy moments in the morning is just fine with me.

This morning though, while I was trying to talk Xander out of his pajamas and into his clothes, Parker raised both hands over his head.  I thought, “hmm, that’s a little random” but when I turned around to see what he was looking at, it wasn’t random at all – he was following the directions.  In every single Little Einsteins episode (I say this with confidence because I have seen every single episode) when they take off in Rocket the have this little take-off routine that they want your help doing, and the routine ends with “blast off” and hands over your head.

I don’t know when I missed that, but apparently Parker is perfectly able and willing to follow directions these days – I guess I’m going to have to start giving some!

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