Being Sara

As I think some of our good friends could attest to, kids at Parker’s age are on the verge of finally talking.  They want to talk.  They know what they want to say, but they just can’t find the words to communicate with the world.  And that is indescribably frustrating.  Parker takes this frustration out on the wrong toy you hand him when he flings it to the ground, or flinging himself to the ground when you just won’t do what he wants you to do.

“If only he could talk” Zach will sometimes say.  And we’ll wonder (and hope) that our son’s frustrations at the world will begin to abate as his ability to communicate improves.  He’s got a few words now.  He’s been able to say cat for ages.  Of course Mama and Dada.  He still hasn’t figured out any form of Xander or brother, but that will come.  He learned “uh oh” from his best friend at school and like to use that one regularly.

This week Parker has figured out “go” and uses it all the time – usually while someone is holding him – he’ll gesture in the direction he wants and say “go”.  Sometimes this works for him, and other times we tell him no (which drives him nuts).

He also can say “no” but usually when he says it, he means “yes” which can make for a rather confusing conversation if you’re not up on Parker lingo.  He’s getting better at communicating, even non-verbally.  These days he can walk up to you with a sippy cup and utter something entirely incomprehensible while holding up the cup and you say “oh, you’d like some more milk?” and take his cup, and now he won’t have a complete meltdown in the middle of the kitchen.  He’ll just smile up at you and wait (somewhat) patiently for you to fulfill his request.  Slowly but surely we’re making progress, and it’s making everyone in our house happier.

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We have been living inside a spelling bee for several weeks now.  My day starts sometimes as early as 5:30 with a whisper in my ear, “Mama, how do you spell ‘window’?” and if I don’t respond, “Mama, how do you spell ‘couch’?” and it’ll keep going until I start spelling.  In the car on the way to work I hear “Mama, how do you spell ‘tree’?” and “Mama, how do you spell ‘back hoe’?” or my personal favorite, “Mama, how do you spell ‘Signwithredinit’?” and “Mama, how do you spell ’somethingelse’?”   And my favorite response – “Wow, that’s a weird word”

The worst part of the inescapable spelling bee is that I’m pretty sure Xander thinks we’re like seals.  He asks and we perform.  I’m not convinced that there is any sort of retention or learning going on when we spell.  I think this because if you ask Xander to repeat what was just spelled, or even the first letter, he can’t (or won’t – not sure which) do it.  Which then leaves me wondering at 8pm when I’m trying to get the little man to sleep and he’s asking me “Mama, how do you spell ‘bear’?” why do I keep going?  I’m pretty sure it’s negative reinforcement, like when you pick up a phone to make it stop ringing, or pick up a tea kettle to get it to stop whistling.  I wonder when (and how) we’ll get out of this never-ending spelling bee…

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One of the bloggers I follow wrote a great post yesterday about her fleeting wishes.  Last year when I had Parker, I also had a tubal ligation.  Zach and I talked about it at great length.  I discussed it with my doctors, and we decided it was the right decision for our family.  I waffled a few times, I tried to convince Zach to get a vasectomy instead of me, but I would already be on the operating table, so it was logical for me to get it done instead of him going in for a separate procedure.

My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret.  I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel.  I don’t regret the decision.  I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days.  I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.

But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have.  Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom.  I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law.  But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me.  Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.

And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet.  And I want one.  I want to build one and play with my children.  And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it.  But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house.  And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).

And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes.  I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys.  Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.

And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships.  So many highs, but also so many lows.  Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup.  PMS and weight control issues.  I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter.  Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…

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Apparently the general consensus is that 2009 sucked, and it won’t be difficult for 2010 to be a better year.  Globally, I agree with that.  The economy sucked, and still does.  There was death, starvation, hardship and misery.  However, my little family had an amazing year.  While Parker was technically born in 2008, he really only spent a day and a half in 2008.  In 2009 he had his first year of life.  He learned to roll over, to crawl, to walk, to say mama and dada and cat, to smile and giggle and laugh.  He learned how much he loved his family, and he learned to cuddle and play with us.  Xander turned three.  He learned to use a big boy potty.  He gave up his binky and sleeps in his own bed.  Both our boys slept through the night, at the same time (it doesn’t happen as frequently as we’d like yet, but we’re making progress!)  I got a new job – benefited and with an awesome office.  We sold our house, and found a pretty amazing house to purchase.  Our extended family is happy, healthy and stable.  Our friends also seem to be doing well.

We had our fair share of tough times in 2009 as well, but overall, it was a pretty amazing year and I’m sorry to see it go.  I will never again have an infant.  I will never again feel that joy and pride when said infant learns something new – I’ll have a similar feeling with my children continue to learn new things and surprise me as they grow, but I won’t ever watch one of my children take their first steps again, etc.  I don’t want to forget that 2009 came and went.  I will always remember it fondly as a year of firsts and lasts for our little family.  So long 2009, and thanks for all the happy memories!

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It’s hard for me to believe that Parker is 6 months old today.  I can still remember him kicking around in my belly, still remember the excitement I felt the night before he was born, that morning that Zach and I got up before the sun and drove to the hospital.  I remember how nervous I felt, how the epidural gave me the shakes, and then holding my breath while the doctors gave Parker his first APGAR score.  I can remember holding him for the first time, and snuggling with that little baby burrito for hours and hours.  I remember a million more moments after that, but those moments don’t seem so long ago.

Parker is growing so fast.  He is already asserting his personality, and he is quite capable of telling us the things that he likes and the things that he doesn’t.  At six months, Parker likes the following: Bouncing or jumping, waking up  in the morning (always with smiles), cloth or soft toys to chew on, being tickled, bananas, apples, pears, peaches, carrots, squash and sweet potatoes, biter biscuits, his brother, his father, his mother, Mac screensavers, his hands and feet, rolling over, and standing or sitting in the grass.

Parker does not like the following: Being ignored, being alone, green beans, peas, loud noises, falling asleep, teething and getting buckled into his car seat.

Every new milestone is bittersweet for me.  I’m so excited to see what Parker will do next, and I can’t wait to meet the little boy he is turning into.  On the other hand, every day he grows farther and farther away from that curled up little burrito that I fell in love with six months ago.  I know that I’m not going to have any more children, so that was my last chance to enjoy all those infant moments.  As happy as I am to know that there will be a day that my whole family will sleep through the night, and that someday we will be done changing diapers, a part of me will always miss those moments with the baby versions of my children.

So, happy six-month birthday little man – you make me happy every day and continually surprise me with your antics.  And even though you are growing faster than I am ready for, know that you will always be my baby.

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