My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret.  I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel.  I don’t regret the decision.  I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days.  I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.

But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have.  Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom.  I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law.  But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me.  Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.

And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet.  And I want one.  I want to build one and play with my children.  And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it.  But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house.  And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).

And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes.  I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys.  Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.

And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships.  So many highs, but also so many lows.  Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup.  PMS and weight control issues.  I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter.  Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…

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We had our fair share of tough times in 2009 as well, but overall, it was a pretty amazing year and I’m sorry to see it go.  I will never again have an infant.  I will never again feel that joy and pride when said infant learns something new – I’ll have a similar feeling with my children continue to learn new things and surprise me as they grow, but I won’t ever watch one of my children take their first steps again, etc.  I don’t want to forget that 2009 came and went.  I will always remember it fondly as a year of firsts and lasts for our little family.  So long 2009, and thanks for all the happy memories!

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1 year old Parker

Last year on December 30th Zach and I got up before the sun (4am). I enjoyed my last shower for a few days, and then we grabbed our bag and drove about 3 blocks down the street to the hospital. When we arrived at the labor & delivery desk at 5am, they whisked me into a room and directly in to a johnny and then to bed where they stuck me with a few IV’s. We hung out and watched Parker’s movement on the fetal monitor for a while, and went through a few stacks of paperwork. Zach changed into some lovely maroon scrubs and at some point, I got my epidural. By 7:30am I was wheeled down to the operating room. I remember shivering a lot – first from the epidural, and then the cool temperature in the OR compounded the shaking. The very kind anesthesiologist tucked a warmed blanket around my head and shoulders while the rest of the operating team worked below my waist. I can remember a few tugs and pulls, and then wondering if they were going to make the incision soon, which is right when I first heard your little squeaky cry.

A few hours later, Zach and I were settled back in our room with the newest addition to our family, Parker Austin. Luckily, this time around, one of us knew how to breastfeed, so that process went a little more smoothly. Right from the start, you were Squeaky – you were the noisiest eater we had seen, and we chuckled over your little noises. You had lots of visitors that first day, and slept through nearly all of it. Your brother was so excited to meet you, and immediately insisted that we unswaddle you so that he could see your toes (I know, he’s got some strange ideas at times).

Eventually the visitors dwindled, and the three of us slept and relaxed for the rest of the day. The next few days in the hospital were pretty quiet and relaxed. You slept a lot, and I tried to sleep whenever possible. We tried to learn as much about your new personality as possible. We let you stay up to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve, but I told you that would be the last time in a long time that we’d allow it I finally let your Dad eat Thai food (during our pregnancy, I wouldn’t let anyone even have it in the same room with me – even the sight of the restaurant was enough to make me feel nauseous).

You have been a joy and delight every day since you were conceived. At the same time, you have challenged us in ways we could not have anticipated every day. You can be the best, happiest baby, and you have the most adorable smile that has only gotten cuter with the six teeth you have sprouted. On the other hand, you have very strong opinions, and are not shy about letting us know when you are irritated. Mostly, you get mad when we try to change your diaper (which sometimes takes two people – one to pin you down, and one to clean you up) or try to get you dressed – the cold winter has provided plenty of challenges for all of us – you can take mittens off almost as fast as we can put them on, and many days we skip them (assuming the weather isn’t too cold).

You are a wonderful sleeper.  If you had been our first child, we might have considered having a whole litter.  The first 6-8 months were rough, but now you’re amazing and we very much appreciate that (especially because your brother is still a rotten sleeper).  You are also an excellent eater (not at all picky) which is refreshing.  I’m sure you’ll develop your own picky tastes as you toddle into childhood, but for now we are enjoying the fact that you’ll eat pretty much all of whatever we put on your tray.

You learned to roll over at about 5 months.  By 7 months you were scooting and then crawling.  At 10 months you could stand for the briefest of seconds on your own, and started to cruise on furniture.  You took your first steps in the middle of your 11th month, but you still prefer to crawl  (oh man, you are the fastest crawler – it’s tough to keep up with you sometimes!)

You are a rough and tumble little boy.  You love to tackle your brother, or anyone else who might be sitting or lying on the floor.  You learned to crawl up the stairs at 9 months, but we are still too terrified to let you do it on your own, and your climbing back down skills are still a bit weak.  In some ways, you can be just like your brother.  In others, you are his antithesis, you are chaos where he is order.  He has loved you from the beginning though, and the two of you are clearly friends.  Xander does not like to go places without you, and even when offered a treat, he refuses if you can’t come.  He always remembers to ask if you can have some of whatever he has, and he loves it when the two of you “match” – especially clothing (which personally, isn’t my thing, but I do indulge your brother from time to time).  It is easy to see that you two will be the best of friends for years to come.

If I could only use one word to describe your first year, it would be bouncy.  We’ve had lots of ups and downs with you (your weight, your sleeping pattern, your moods, etc.) and the one movement you have loved ever since you could hold your head steady is bouncing – if we could just hold you under your arms, you would jump and bounce happily for hours at a time (unfortunately, we have yet to meet anyone with the arm strength to keep up with that desire).

You are my youngest and last son.  I love you more than words can describe.  You are smart, strong willed and have brief but wonderful moments of tenderness.  One of my favorite memories from 2009 will always be rocking quietly with you in front of the fire as you fall asleep and watching the snow slowly fall out the window.  It was as close to perfection as I have gotten in a long time.  I hope your first year was as wonderful for you as it was for us, and I know that this coming year will be just as amazing.  Happy Birthday Peanut!

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I feel like we’ve finally turned a corner when it comes to sleep in our house.  Parker’s been sleeping great for almost 2 weeks now, and Xander has occasionally woken up, but most nights goes back to sleep quickly.  Ahh… Sleep – it’s a wonderful, wonderful thing

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At “bedtime” Xander morphs from this happy, easy going kid into a petulant, obstinate, bratty toddler.  It’s  fight to do everything, brush his teeth, get his pajamas on, read books and finally turn out lights.  It doesn’t matter how great an evening we’ve had, or how much warning or prep time I use.  Incentives haven’t worked, taking away privileges or  “treats” hasn’t worked.  Last night is a perfect example.  Parker was exhausted and asleep before 7pm.  Xander and I stayed up and played for a bit before watching about 20 minutes of Iron Giant.  I warned him about getting his pajamas on.  I paused the movie, got him dressed and resumed the movie.  At a good stopping point, I stopped the movie (after several warnings)  and told him it was time to brush his teeth.  I warned him that if he didn’t get up, he would have  a time out.  I counted to three, and then he got his time out (just 2 minutes).  He cried the whole time, but then agreed to brush his teeth.

In the bathroom, more disagreements about which toothbrush to use, about not swallowing the toothpaste and about not biting down on the toothbrush while I’m brushing.  Finally, it’s time to go upstairs and read books.  I sit Xander in his bed and pull out 2 books.  He doesn’t want those 2, so I put them back and try again, and then again.  After the third rejection, I tell him that if he rejects the next 2, he’s not getting any.  (Currently we have a small collection of books on a high shelf in his bedroom, a hazard of keeping the house clean while it’s on the market).  He turns down the next set, so I turn off the light and step outside the room.

He cries of course, and I walk back in and ask him if he’s ready to be reasonable.  He says yes, so I turn on the light and pull another book from the shelf.  He tells me he wants his mix ‘n match superhero book.  I hate this book.  It’s falling apart.  It takes forever to read because Xander has to hear each combination, so it’s not even a cohesive story, just repeated bits over and over and over again.  I say no.  Xander pitches a fit, which wakes up Parker.  I leave Xander and try to sooth Parker back to sleep, but with Xander’s continued wails, he won’t settle back down.  So, I pick Parker up, and deposit him on Xander’s floor and tell Xander that now that he has woken his brother, we only have time for 1 book.  I read him his one book (quickly, without the usual dramatic effect, voices or input from him, which Xander clearly does not enjoy as much).  Then I tell him I have to put Parker back to sleep.  I turn out the light and Xander starts to wail again – this time because I only read him one book.  I close the door and take Parker downstairs to settle him back down into a sleepy state.  I have Parker nearly asleep when Xander gets out of bed and to the stop of the stairs and calls for me.  This of course wakes Parker up again.

Now I’m really frustrated.  It’s just me and 2 crying boys, and I don’t have enough hands to deal with them both at once.  I make Xander come back downstairs and tell him to sit in the time out chair until I get Parker back to sleep.  More wailing ensues, but at least with the door to Parker’s room closed, it’s quiet and I can finally get Parker back to sleep.

I collect my exhausted son who has been wailing for the better part of an hour now.  He’s tired, and splotchy, and mostly worn out.  I tuck him back into bed, and he asks me to sit with him.  I should note that every night since we took away his binkies his father or I have ended up sitting next to his bed until he falls asleep.  It’s not fun.  It makes my back hurt and my butt numb.  I told Xander that I would not sit next to him until he falls asleep, but I would give him a flashlight.  In a rather weak exhausted parenting moment, I gave Xander the flashlight even though he had been awful throughout the entire bedtime process.  This at least allowed me to retire to the couch for a few hours and not sit next to my non-sleeping son for the rest of the evening.

Every single night for a month we have battled with Xander on sleep.  Prior to this, life had been nearly blissful – Xander had been sleeping perfectly and without argument and Parker had been sleeping through the night.  Now, it takes super-human strength and patience to get Xander to sleep (and he usually wakes up at least once in the night) and he almost always wakes his brother up.  On nights when Parker somehow manages to sleep through his brother’s antics, he wakes himself up at 2:30 or 3:30 and is almost always awake for at least an hour.

It’s going to get better, right?  I’m going to have more than 4 hours of sleep in a night someday, right?  I’m not going to have to wrestle, argue, cajole, bribe and beg my son to sleep every night for the next 15 years, right? Someday this parenting gig is going to ease up a bit, right?

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Then at 5am I woke myself, completely paranoid that Parker must have stopped breathing.  Usually he wakes us pretty consistently 3 times each night.  Once around 11pm, then again sometime between 2am and 3am, and then finally around 5am.  If we’re lucky, we can get him back to sleep for another hour or so after that last time.  This has been our routine for a few months now.  It’s not great, but we’re used to it, and we’ve been hopeful that someday soon Parker would start to grow out of at least one of those middle of the night wake-ups.

Knowing that I would not be able to return to slumber without checking, and also knowing that I had a 50% chance of waking the baby up, I went into Parker’s room to check.  He had somehow done a complete 180 degree flip in his crib, and was sleeping on his stomach, but he was breathing and since I hadn’t yet woken him, I didn’t want to mess with him by flipping him back over, etc., so I crept back to bed, and smiled the blissful smile of a parent whose child has just slept through the night for the first time in a long, long time.

Let me repeat that – he slept through the night!  7pm to 6:15am!  Over 11 hours straight!  When I got him dressed this morning I told him that he needs to repeat that performance every night from now until the day he moves out of our house.  And since all little boys listen and follow their mommies exact instructions, I’m sure that will happen any day now

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But, being the worrier that I am, I do worry.  I worry that Xander won’t have shifted back to preferring Daddy tuck him in before I go.  I worry that Zach will be just exhausted when I get home if Parker doesn’t sleep well.  I worry that I won’t be around when Parker finally learns to crawl.  I worry that I’ll be shy and nervous and won’t network well at my conference.  I worry that I won’t have the right clothes – I’ll be over dressed, or under dressed or too hot or too cold.  I worry that my computer won’t connect to the UVM network and I’ll be disconnected for a whole week (ack!)  I worry that living in a dorm for a week will really be as uncomfortable as I remember.  I worry that I’ll get lost, driving there, or walking around or both.  Most of all, I worry that everything will be more than fine at home, it’ll be great and it’ll turn out that my boys really don’t need me around as much as I had led myself to believe…  And then I feel bad worrying about that, because isn’t that the best possible scenario if everyone is happy and content?

But, regardless of everything else, I will get four straight nights of uninterrupted blissful sleep, and that in itself is worth all of the worrying!

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Parker is growing so fast.  He is already asserting his personality, and he is quite capable of telling us the things that he likes and the things that he doesn’t.  At six months, Parker likes the following: Bouncing or jumping, waking up  in the morning (always with smiles), cloth or soft toys to chew on, being tickled, bananas, apples, pears, peaches, carrots, squash and sweet potatoes, biter biscuits, his brother, his father, his mother, Mac screensavers, his hands and feet, rolling over, and standing or sitting in the grass.

Parker does not like the following: Being ignored, being alone, green beans, peas, loud noises, falling asleep, teething and getting buckled into his car seat.

Every new milestone is bittersweet for me.  I’m so excited to see what Parker will do next, and I can’t wait to meet the little boy he is turning into.  On the other hand, every day he grows farther and farther away from that curled up little burrito that I fell in love with six months ago.  I know that I’m not going to have any more children, so that was my last chance to enjoy all those infant moments.  As happy as I am to know that there will be a day that my whole family will sleep through the night, and that someday we will be done changing diapers, a part of me will always miss those moments with the baby versions of my children.

So, happy six-month birthday little man – you make me happy every day and continually surprise me with your antics.  And even though you are growing faster than I am ready for, know that you will always be my baby.

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Dear Mom and Dad, I slept great today!  Heather says I’m her star napper.  My gums hurt a little in the morning, but I forgot all about them after a bottle and a nap.  I had fun playing with Rachel and the other kids this afternoon.

I hate that awful green stuff you keep trying to feed me – please put it away!  After dinner, I am sooooo sleepy, but I don’t want to sleep because there are so many exciting things happening, but I’m sooooo sleepy, but I want to stay awake, but I’m sooo sleepy….

What do you mean it’s midnight?  It feels like I just fell asleep.  Don’t you want to play?  No, ok, I’ll drink a bottle, and it’s dark so I guess I could sleep for a little while.

It’s only 2:30?  Are you sure?  I think I’m done sleeping.  You don’t think so?  Ok, it’s still dark, I’ll try to sleep a little more.

Now it’s got to be morning time.  It’s only 4:30?  Are you sure?  Lets play!  I don’t want to go back to sleep, lets play!  Hello, is anyone going to play with me?  No?  I’m going to use my supersonic high pitched scream until someone plays with me!  I knew you wanted to play with me (smiles)!

Are you sure it’s only 8am?  I’m awfully sleepy…

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