Being Sara

One of the bloggers I follow wrote a great post yesterday about her fleeting wishes.  Last year when I had Parker, I also had a tubal ligation.  Zach and I talked about it at great length.  I discussed it with my doctors, and we decided it was the right decision for our family.  I waffled a few times, I tried to convince Zach to get a vasectomy instead of me, but I would already be on the operating table, so it was logical for me to get it done instead of him going in for a separate procedure.

My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret.  I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel.  I don’t regret the decision.  I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days.  I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.

But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have.  Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom.  I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law.  But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me.  Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.

And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet.  And I want one.  I want to build one and play with my children.  And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it.  But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house.  And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).

And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes.  I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys.  Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.

And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships.  So many highs, but also so many lows.  Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup.  PMS and weight control issues.  I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter.  Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• Yeah, he’s pretty cute.
• What’s For Dinner
• It’s A Baby!
• Week 13 – Showing already!
• Xander Week 1 – It’s A Boy!

Related items

• So Long 2009 and Thanks For All The Fish!
• I’ll Keep Him!
• Similar, but oh so different
• Yeah, he’s pretty cute.
• Ahh… Sleep!

Apparently the general consensus is that 2009 sucked, and it won’t be difficult for 2010 to be a better year.  Globally, I agree with that.  The economy sucked, and still does.  There was death, starvation, hardship and misery.  However, my little family had an amazing year.  While Parker was technically born in 2008, he really only spent a day and a half in 2008.  In 2009 he had his first year of life.  He learned to roll over, to crawl, to walk, to say mama and dada and cat, to smile and giggle and laugh.  He learned how much he loved his family, and he learned to cuddle and play with us.  Xander turned three.  He learned to use a big boy potty.  He gave up his binky and sleeps in his own bed.  Both our boys slept through the night, at the same time (it doesn’t happen as frequently as we’d like yet, but we’re making progress!)  I got a new job – benefited and with an awesome office.  We sold our house, and found a pretty amazing house to purchase.  Our extended family is happy, healthy and stable.  Our friends also seem to be doing well.

We had our fair share of tough times in 2009 as well, but overall, it was a pretty amazing year and I’m sorry to see it go.  I will never again have an infant.  I will never again feel that joy and pride when said infant learns something new – I’ll have a similar feeling with my children continue to learn new things and surprise me as they grow, but I won’t ever watch one of my children take their first steps again, etc.  I don’t want to forget that 2009 came and went.  I will always remember it fondly as a year of firsts and lasts for our little family.  So long 2009, and thanks for all the happy memories!

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• Xander Week 1 – It’s A Boy!
• Xander Week 3 – The Breast feeding Rollercoaster
• Week 39 – Oy, Heavy Baby
• I’ll Keep Him!
• 365 Days – it sure flew by fast!

Related items

• Ahh… Sleep!
• The Battles Rage on
• How Do You Spell….?
• I’ll Keep Him!
• Similar, but oh so different

1 year old Parker

Last year on December 30th Zach and I got up before the sun (4am). I enjoyed my last shower for a few days, and then we grabbed our bag and drove about 3 blocks down the street to the hospital. When we arrived at the labor & delivery desk at 5am, they whisked me into a room and directly in to a johnny and then to bed where they stuck me with a few IV’s. We hung out and watched Parker’s movement on the fetal monitor for a while, and went through a few stacks of paperwork. Zach changed into some lovely maroon scrubs and at some point, I got my epidural. By 7:30am I was wheeled down to the operating room. I remember shivering a lot – first from the epidural, and then the cool temperature in the OR compounded the shaking. The very kind anesthesiologist tucked a warmed blanket around my head and shoulders while the rest of the operating team worked below my waist. I can remember a few tugs and pulls, and then wondering if they were going to make the incision soon, which is right when I first heard your little squeaky cry.

A few hours later, Zach and I were settled back in our room with the newest addition to our family, Parker Austin. Luckily, this time around, one of us knew how to breastfeed, so that process went a little more smoothly. Right from the start, you were Squeaky – you were the noisiest eater we had seen, and we chuckled over your little noises. You had lots of visitors that first day, and slept through nearly all of it. Your brother was so excited to meet you, and immediately insisted that we unswaddle you so that he could see your toes (I know, he’s got some strange ideas at times).

Eventually the visitors dwindled, and the three of us slept and relaxed for the rest of the day. The next few days in the hospital were pretty quiet and relaxed. You slept a lot, and I tried to sleep whenever possible. We tried to learn as much about your new personality as possible. We let you stay up to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve, but I told you that would be the last time in a long time that we’d allow it I finally let your Dad eat Thai food (during our pregnancy, I wouldn’t let anyone even have it in the same room with me – even the sight of the restaurant was enough to make me feel nauseous).

You have been a joy and delight every day since you were conceived. At the same time, you have challenged us in ways we could not have anticipated every day. You can be the best, happiest baby, and you have the most adorable smile that has only gotten cuter with the six teeth you have sprouted. On the other hand, you have very strong opinions, and are not shy about letting us know when you are irritated. Mostly, you get mad when we try to change your diaper (which sometimes takes two people – one to pin you down, and one to clean you up) or try to get you dressed – the cold winter has provided plenty of challenges for all of us – you can take mittens off almost as fast as we can put them on, and many days we skip them (assuming the weather isn’t too cold).

You are a wonderful sleeper.  If you had been our first child, we might have considered having a whole litter.  The first 6-8 months were rough, but now you’re amazing and we very much appreciate that (especially because your brother is still a rotten sleeper).  You are also an excellent eater (not at all picky) which is refreshing.  I’m sure you’ll develop your own picky tastes as you toddle into childhood, but for now we are enjoying the fact that you’ll eat pretty much all of whatever we put on your tray.

You learned to roll over at about 5 months.  By 7 months you were scooting and then crawling.  At 10 months you could stand for the briefest of seconds on your own, and started to cruise on furniture.  You took your first steps in the middle of your 11th month, but you still prefer to crawl  (oh man, you are the fastest crawler – it’s tough to keep up with you sometimes!)

You are a rough and tumble little boy.  You love to tackle your brother, or anyone else who might be sitting or lying on the floor.  You learned to crawl up the stairs at 9 months, but we are still too terrified to let you do it on your own, and your climbing back down skills are still a bit weak.  In some ways, you can be just like your brother.  In others, you are his antithesis, you are chaos where he is order.  He has loved you from the beginning though, and the two of you are clearly friends.  Xander does not like to go places without you, and even when offered a treat, he refuses if you can’t come.  He always remembers to ask if you can have some of whatever he has, and he loves it when the two of you “match” – especially clothing (which personally, isn’t my thing, but I do indulge your brother from time to time).  It is easy to see that you two will be the best of friends for years to come.

If I could only use one word to describe your first year, it would be bouncy.  We’ve had lots of ups and downs with you (your weight, your sleeping pattern, your moods, etc.) and the one movement you have loved ever since you could hold your head steady is bouncing – if we could just hold you under your arms, you would jump and bounce happily for hours at a time (unfortunately, we have yet to meet anyone with the arm strength to keep up with that desire).

You are my youngest and last son.  I love you more than words can describe.  You are smart, strong willed and have brief but wonderful moments of tenderness.  One of my favorite memories from 2009 will always be rocking quietly with you in front of the fire as you fall asleep and watching the snow slowly fall out the window.  It was as close to perfection as I have gotten in a long time.  I hope your first year was as wonderful for you as it was for us, and I know that this coming year will be just as amazing.  Happy Birthday Peanut!

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• Xander Week 1 – It’s A Boy!
• Xander Week 2 – Finally A Parent
• Xander Week 3 – The Breast feeding Rollercoaster
• Week 39 – Oy, Heavy Baby
• Xander Week 4 – Yes, I Sleep

Related items

• Parker Week 23 – And We Have A Rollover!
• It’s Been 4 Months Already??
• So Long 2009 and Thanks For All The Fish!
• Ahh… Sleep!
• The Battles Rage on

We are pretty much settled into our rental house now.  Xander is sleeping in a queen size bed and across the hall Parker is in his crib.  For the most part, we’ve been sleeping blissfully well.  Parker has been sleeping straight through from 7:30/8:00pm to 6:30/7:00am without a peep! We have never been a “cry-it-out” family.  This resulted in Xander sleeping in our bed until well into his second year.  Parker has always slept in his crib, but I would often cuddle him to sleep and then put him down.  Recently he’s been rather disagreeable about cuddling before sleep.  So, a few nights ago I let him cry it out.  It took 12 long minutes, but then he fell asleep.  We tried this with Xander when he was a baby, but when Xander woke up it would be the middle of the night, and he wouldn’t stop until you picked him up, so we gave up pretty quickly.  Last night after we read books, I tried to cuddle Parker for a few minutes but he would have none of it, so after lots of hugs and kisses I put him in his crib, covered him up and walked out.  He squeaked maybe twice and then fell silent.

I feel like we’ve finally turned a corner when it comes to sleep in our house.  Parker’s been sleeping great for almost 2 weeks now, and Xander has occasionally woken up, but most nights goes back to sleep quickly.  Ahh… Sleep – it’s a wonderful, wonderful thing

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• Xander Week 4 – Yes, I Sleep
• Xander Week 1 – It’s A Boy!
• Roll Over!!
• Xander Week 3 – The Breast feeding Rollercoaster
• Xander Week 19 – Tummy Time Troubles

Related items

• The Battles Rage on
• So Long 2009 and Thanks For All The Fish!
• Bye Bye Mommy!
• I’ll Keep Him!
• How Do You Spell….?

It’s been almost a month since we “sold” Xander’s binkies.  It’s been a good move I think.  It was time.  We were ready.  He was ready.  These are the phrases that keep marching through my head every night at bed time.  Xander is generally a great kid.  He’s positive, upbeat, happy and usually cooperative.  Like all kids (let’s be honest, even adults), he doesn’t react well to the word ‘no’, but we can usually move on pretty quickly.  Until the dreaded bedtime.

At “bedtime” Xander morphs from this happy, easy going kid into a petulant, obstinate, bratty toddler.  It’s  fight to do everything, brush his teeth, get his pajamas on, read books and finally turn out lights.  It doesn’t matter how great an evening we’ve had, or how much warning or prep time I use.  Incentives haven’t worked, taking away privileges or  “treats” hasn’t worked.  Last night is a perfect example.  Parker was exhausted and asleep before 7pm.  Xander and I stayed up and played for a bit before watching about 20 minutes of Iron Giant.  I warned him about getting his pajamas on.  I paused the movie, got him dressed and resumed the movie.  At a good stopping point, I stopped the movie (after several warnings)  and told him it was time to brush his teeth.  I warned him that if he didn’t get up, he would have  a time out.  I counted to three, and then he got his time out (just 2 minutes).  He cried the whole time, but then agreed to brush his teeth.

In the bathroom, more disagreements about which toothbrush to use, about not swallowing the toothpaste and about not biting down on the toothbrush while I’m brushing.  Finally, it’s time to go upstairs and read books.  I sit Xander in his bed and pull out 2 books.  He doesn’t want those 2, so I put them back and try again, and then again.  After the third rejection, I tell him that if he rejects the next 2, he’s not getting any.  (Currently we have a small collection of books on a high shelf in his bedroom, a hazard of keeping the house clean while it’s on the market).  He turns down the next set, so I turn off the light and step outside the room.

He cries of course, and I walk back in and ask him if he’s ready to be reasonable.  He says yes, so I turn on the light and pull another book from the shelf.  He tells me he wants his mix ‘n match superhero book.  I hate this book.  It’s falling apart.  It takes forever to read because Xander has to hear each combination, so it’s not even a cohesive story, just repeated bits over and over and over again.  I say no.  Xander pitches a fit, which wakes up Parker.  I leave Xander and try to sooth Parker back to sleep, but with Xander’s continued wails, he won’t settle back down.  So, I pick Parker up, and deposit him on Xander’s floor and tell Xander that now that he has woken his brother, we only have time for 1 book.  I read him his one book (quickly, without the usual dramatic effect, voices or input from him, which Xander clearly does not enjoy as much).  Then I tell him I have to put Parker back to sleep.  I turn out the light and Xander starts to wail again – this time because I only read him one book.  I close the door and take Parker downstairs to settle him back down into a sleepy state.  I have Parker nearly asleep when Xander gets out of bed and to the stop of the stairs and calls for me.  This of course wakes Parker up again.

Now I’m really frustrated.  It’s just me and 2 crying boys, and I don’t have enough hands to deal with them both at once.  I make Xander come back downstairs and tell him to sit in the time out chair until I get Parker back to sleep.  More wailing ensues, but at least with the door to Parker’s room closed, it’s quiet and I can finally get Parker back to sleep.

I collect my exhausted son who has been wailing for the better part of an hour now.  He’s tired, and splotchy, and mostly worn out.  I tuck him back into bed, and he asks me to sit with him.  I should note that every night since we took away his binkies his father or I have ended up sitting next to his bed until he falls asleep.  It’s not fun.  It makes my back hurt and my butt numb.  I told Xander that I would not sit next to him until he falls asleep, but I would give him a flashlight.  In a rather weak exhausted parenting moment, I gave Xander the flashlight even though he had been awful throughout the entire bedtime process.  This at least allowed me to retire to the couch for a few hours and not sit next to my non-sleeping son for the rest of the evening.

Every single night for a month we have battled with Xander on sleep.  Prior to this, life had been nearly blissful – Xander had been sleeping perfectly and without argument and Parker had been sleeping through the night.  Now, it takes super-human strength and patience to get Xander to sleep (and he usually wakes up at least once in the night) and he almost always wakes his brother up.  On nights when Parker somehow manages to sleep through his brother’s antics, he wakes himself up at 2:30 or 3:30 and is almost always awake for at least an hour.

It’s going to get better, right?  I’m going to have more than 4 hours of sleep in a night someday, right?  I’m not going to have to wrestle, argue, cajole, bribe and beg my son to sleep every night for the next 15 years, right? Someday this parenting gig is going to ease up a bit, right?

People who looked at this item also looked at…

• Xander Week 1 – It’s A Boy!
• Three Years…
• Ahh… Sleep!
• Xander Week 121 – Is My Kid a Victim?
• Helpful Tips For Working Moms

Related items

• Ahh… Sleep!
• So Long 2009 and Thanks For All The Fish!
• How Do You Spell….?
• Three Years…
• Bye Bye Mommy!