One of the bloggers I follow wrote a great post yesterday about her fleeting wishes. Last year when I had Parker, I also had a tubal ligation. Zach and I talked about it at great length. I discussed it with my doctors, and we decided it was the right decision for our family. I waffled a few times, I tried to convince Zach to get a vasectomy instead of me, but I would already be on the operating table, so it was logical for me to get it done instead of him going in for a separate procedure.
My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret. I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel. I don’t regret the decision. I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days. I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.
But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have. Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom. I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law. But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me. Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.
And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet. And I want one. I want to build one and play with my children. And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it. But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house. And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).
And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes. I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys. Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.
And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships. So many highs, but also so many lows. Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup. PMS and weight control issues. I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter. Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…
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