All My Bags Are Packed, but I’m Not Sure I Want To Go…
March 14, 2007
Zach and I are going to Las Vegas this week. We’re leaving on Thursday, and coming back the following Thursday. Zach is attending a conference out there, and I’m tagging along. We planned this about a year ago, and purchased the tickets well before Xander was born. It’s a good thing we got the tickets back then, or I think I would have backed out of the whole trip by now.
Xander is going to stay with relatives while we are gone. All of the relatives are perfectly capable of taking care of an infant, but even the knowledge that they are capable parents does not allieviate my nervousness in leaving Xander behind.
I don’t have any interest in gambling, and Las Vegas was not in my top ten list of places to visit, but Zach has the free hotel room (and it’s a really nice hotel!), and the free plane ticket, and his food is paid for. In terms of vacation costs, this is definitely a cheap one. I’m very excited about 6 full nights of uninterrupted sleep. In fact, this is the biggest selling point for me - uninterrupted sleep. I realize that I could have that without the cost of flying someplace, but it just worked out this way.
So this week I’m wrestling between my guilt of leaving my child with other caretakers, my worry that although these caretakers are perfectly competent and love my son, they aren’t me, and won’t be able to comfort Xander the way that I do, and excitement about some time with my husband, a vacation for the two of us, and a week of good sleep.
Xander continues to do well at day care, and I continue to miss him every day. At the end of the day at day care, all of the kids are usually playing in one room. It’s usually pretty loud as the older children are full of energy, and parents are coming in and out. I often find Xander crying in one of the care provider’s arms. I think the noise and bustle is a little too much for him.
After waiting a long, long time to become one, I am finally a parent. It’s a huge responsibility, scary at times, but also exhilirating. I’m not a fan of trying to get my son to sleep for hours at 4:30 am, and poopie diapers aren’t exactly exciting. But, snuggling on the couch with this tiny, warm person who curls up and snuggles into your shoulder makes up for all the irritating time. I love his size and his age, but I’m also excited to watch him grow and develop. As probably every silly first-time parent does, I get excited when he wiggles his head around, as a sign that his neck is getting stronger and he is starting to develop more control over his muscles. Even though I should limit our interaction at nighttime feedings more, I can’t help but stare into his eyes when he’s awake, to give him more opportunity to look at my face and hopefully recognize it. Being a parent certainly has its ups and downs, and I’m sure I will write about many of the trials and joys here, but every moment it worth it!