One of the bloggers I follow wrote a great post yesterday about her fleeting wishes. Â Last year when I had Parker, I also had a tubal ligation. Â Zach and I talked about it at great length. Â I discussed it with my doctors, and we decided it was the right decision for our family. Â I waffled a few times, I tried to convince Zach to get a vasectomy instead of me, but I would already be on the operating table, so it was logical for me to get it done instead of him going in for a separate procedure.
My doctor told me that the biggest side effect of a tubal ligation is regret. Â I think that regret is too strong a word for what I feel. Â I don’t regret the decision. Â I love my children and I love the amount of sleep they usually allow me to get these days. Â I worry that I don’t spend enough one-on-one time with them as it is and I can’t imagine adding a third little one into the mix and dividing my time even more.
But, sometimes as I’m drifting off to sleep (my children already slumbering peacefully in their own beds) I have this vision of a much older version of myself fluffing the train on a beautiful white dress worn by the daughter that I will never have. Â Then the vision changes to the real older me, the mother of the groom. Â I’ll be the one sitting in the front row, beaming at my child and my soon to be child-in-law. Â But, that woman on the alter will have her own mother to fluff her gown and tell her she is the most beautiful bride in the history of brides – she won’t need me. Â Then my vision shifts to a hospital where that same beautiful bride is now holding a squealing bundle of joy, and looking to her mother for guidance and approval while I stand in the back of the room, patiently waiting my turn and again, not needed.
And then, I see awesome things like this on the internet. Â And I want one. Â I want to build one and play with my children. Â And sure, we could build one, and my kids might even have fun with it. Â But, in all honesty, we are far more likely to end up with a tool bench in our house. Â And then I look back at the past 3 days worth of KidSteals and I see “Adorable outfits by Twirls and Twigs” (all girls), “Visor Beanie for Coccoletta” (very cute for girls), “Comfy Quilted Dress” and then at Babysteals “Katelyn & Co. Crochet Headband & Jewel Flower Sets” (they were slightly better this week – offering “pee-pee t-pees and slings and diaper bags too).
And I think about stores like Wal-Mart and Target where there are rows and rows of girl clothes and accessories, and if I’m lucky, 3 racks of boy clothes. Â I recall my first experience buying Xander big boy underwear and that I actually had to ask a clerk to help me find underwear that wasn’t pink and didn’t have a princess on it – just for the record, while there is an entire aisle dedicated to little girl underwear, there are exactly three different styles in one bin for boys. Â Choices are dinosaurs, superheroes or Cars.
And then, I remember mother-daughter relationships. Â So many highs, but also so many lows. Â Screaming matches, stolen clothes, arguments over boys, and phones, and cars, and makeup. Â PMS and weight control issues. Â I am going to miss out on a lot of things not having a daughter. Â Some of them my heart aches for, but others, I just smile and think “thank God I have boys”…