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April 2, 2012
My mom died. On March 22nd we said our final goodbyes to her, and then an hour later she was gone. On February 22nd she made a trip to the ER having trouble breathing. She refused to let me visit her on that first trip to the hospital, where they kept her for 4 days. After that, she was sent home on oxygen and other medications and set up follow up appointments with her primary care doctor. She was diagnosed with lung cancer, and the day before she died I learned that they had classified it as stage 3B adenocarcinoma. It might have been stage 4, but they were never able to complete the tests. Two days before she died she had a relatively major stroke and lost the ability to speak. With that, we lost our primary channel of communication with her. The following day her conditioned worsened, and with a team of five doctors we determined that in the likely event that she required intubation, we and she did not want that (particularly knowing that they’d never be able to extubate her in the future). By the next day, we all realized that she was never going to recover. I sobbed as I tried to figure out how a person says goodbye to their 60 year old mother. But, I pulled myself together, and with tears in my eyes told her that I loved her, I would miss her, and thanked her for teaching me how to be a good mom to my children.
It was too soon, and too fast, and it hurt so much. This past weekend we held the funeral and wake. There were so many people – and it was impressive to see how many people loved and respected her. It was hard to watch others mourn her passing. 60 was too young. She was still healthy and working full time up until that day she first visited the hospital.
Now we are trying to figure out our new normal. So many things in our lives revolved around her. Especially holidays. She was the one who coordinated events, cooked for them, and prepped surprises for the kids. This Sunday will be our first family event without her. I cannot do holidays the way she did, and my simple attempts seem to be falling short. But, I will go through the motions, because I have so many happy holiday memories from my childhood, and I want to give my children similar memories for their childhoods as well.
I have no words of wisdom, and I’m sure my sad feelings are very similar to many others out there. Death sucks. It hurts, and it’s hard and I’m sad.
So I got an email forward from my mother yesterday (pretty typical Wednesday) and I was going to clean it up and forward it to a few friends, but then I decided instead of cluttering up their inboxes, I’d post it here – hopefully they will all see it and maybe a few more. It is an email forward, so take it for what it is, but regardless, the message is good, and one I wish I remembered more often.
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